Guest Post: I Am Enough
In a culture of “I am enough” mantras, I stand, ready to jump, at the precipice of desperation, depression, and anxiety; yet paralyzed to do anything. My thoughts, constantly running through my head, constantly screaming:
I’ll be good enough when I lose these eighty pounds;
I’ll be good enough when I can look in the mirror and recognize myself;
I’ll be good enough when I am no longer a prisoner of my food addictions;
I’ll be good enough when I am not alone and lonely;
I’ll be good enough when…
On the other side “stands” Paul reminding me that “His grace is sufficient” (2Corinthians 12:9), and I want to scream at him, - NO, IT IS NOT!!! If it were sufficient, if it were enough, then WHY AM I SO MISERABLE? Answer that, Paul… answer THAT, Holy Spirit.
when will I feel complete?
when will feel like I am enough?
when will I feel like I am sufficient?
Can you identify with any of this? If you don’t, then feel free to stop reading and move on to the next post. However, if any of this resonates in your spirit, then listen up! I may not have an answer for you. I don’t even have any advice for you. Nevertheless, I have a lifetime of experiences with feeling incomplete and insecure, distorted body image issues, depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating/starvation/bingeing/purging all related to early memories of sexual trauma.
There are few things of which I am certain. I can tell you with all certainty that I cannot trust my own feelings. I do not trust my own heart. I do not trust my own mind. It deceives me. It is a fountain of turbulent, muddy waters that swell, rush, and roil, making it difficult to listen to the voices of reason and wisdom.
BUT…, with Christ there is always a “but”. That little word shows us that there is an interruption in thought. There is a pause, a breath, a different idea or opinion enters the thought process. It completely negates everything that had been spoken or written before. It is like saying, “I know the sky is blue, BUT today it is cloudy”; or, “I hear what you are saying, BUT I don’t agree with it”. At this time, I know that my mind is a bundle of raw emotion, BUT I yearn for those moments when there is silence, and I yearn for the stillness. Those precious few moments when my thoughts are screaming and terrorizing me with negativity and desperation, that is the precise moment when Jesus interrupts with “BUT!” Then, the sweet quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit can deliver the message,
Be still and know that I Am [still] God.
For this present moment,
MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT.
2 Corinthians 12:9
You do not have to go anywhere, be with anybody, do anything, or think about anything. For this exact moment I want to visit with you.
not saying anything… just sit here quietly in the stillness.
This is sufficient;
This is enough;
This is peace.
My peace I give you.
Not peace as the world defines peace, a temporary truce of warring factions, a timed cease fire to the violence. My peace stills the mind and the heart, it permeates everything. It reveals and unveils My wisdom.
This message breathes over me with sweet aroma (2 Corinthians 2:15-17). It floods my soul with light. It refreshes my spirit with cool clear running waters. It whispers to me that I don’t have to be enough because He is enough. It affirms in me the sense of completeness because He completes me. It reassures me that I don’t have to be perfect because He is the very definition of perfection.
I realize that there is a decision to be made at this time: will I choose to rely on the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2: 16), rather than my own? Will I choose to depend on His thoughts which are much higher than mine (Isaiah 55: 8-9)? Will I choose to consider a definition and identity of “my self” that is not dependent on my feelings, not dependent on my own thoughts, not dependent on culture, not dependent on the self? Rather, it is anchored on His identity, on His image, which even after the resurrection still bore the scars of torture and crucifixion.
What would contemporary image consultants, who promote visions of smooth skin – no wrinkles, blemishes, or scars, say about that definition of beauty?
The One who is perfect and holy walked around allowing people to see His scars. He told unbelievers to come close and touch his wounds (John 20: 24-31). That same Jesus then rose to sit at the right hand of the Father to continuously intercede for us (Romans 8:34).